On Dealing With Bullies

My 23 month old toddler has become very active. She equally loves to play alone and also interact with other children. As her mom, I am very protective of her simply because she is my daughter. I love her and I believe that it is my responsibility to keep her away from harm or from harming others.

If it’s your first time to be reading my blog, let me share a brief background about what I do. I am a stay-at-home mom also known as a (plain) housewife. I personally look after my Matilda and we do not have a yaya. Because this is our set-up, I have seen how my daughter is at home as well as when we are out. I know her moods and I know everything there is about her. She is very kind – biases aside, it is the truth. By God’s grace, I try my best to discipline her and mold her to be Christ-like.

Like any other normal kid, she is always excited to see other children. One reason is that, it is mostly just the two of us who play with each other. So, whenever we have the chance to go to the Day Care at my husband’s workplace, we always make the most out of it.

The Day Care is just a simple play space with a slide, a pretend-house, and small tables with chairs, perfect for kids. Every morning, the teachers facilitate a circle time wherein they sing songs, dance and play with the kids – this is Matilda’s favorite part aside from going up and down the slide. We also love going because of the friends we have made there.

Almost all the kids are regulars, meaning they are there daily and are usually accompanied by their yayas. There are two very kind and loving teachers as well to keep the place organized, and also make sure the kids are well-behaved. But, sometimes, when there are plenty of kids and only one teacher is present, things can become a bit chaotic like this one day I will tell you about next.

About a week ago, on what is seemed like a regular day at the day care, a little boy aged 3 came in and was left by his mother. That day, if I remember correctly, he was the only kid without a yaya. According to the mom, as what the teacher also said, the kid will only be left for an hour, as the father will come to pick him up. It wasn’t the first time I met this little boy though. I have seen how he is when he is around, and I must say, the kid has the tendency to hurt other children, both big and small. So, I was on the lookout. I didn’t want Matilda to be hurt in any way so I made sure I was close by at all times.

In just a matter of 15 minutes, the little boy already started acting a bit too hard to control. The teacher kept reminding him to behave as there are babies around, playing. He kept on running, not minding anybody who he might bump into. I thought maybe he was just really excited, perhaps happy to be around other kids as well. The teacher then noticed that he is kind of too hyperactive so, she decided to get some toys for the boy to keep him busy, and placed him inside the house to play by himself for a little while. As I watched Matilda roam around, I happened to see she wanted to go inside the play house too. I let her walk her way through, confident that it was fine since I was right beside her. To my surprise, before getting to the entrance of the house, the little boy got a glimpse of Matilda and kicked her right at her tummy. It was all so sudden. I was shocked as I saw Matilda fall to the ground. My instinct was that I immediately held her and checked if she got hurt. I thanked God she was fine and saw that she was just a bit startled with what just happened.

If you are a mother, I am pretty sure you know how it must have felt like to see your baby get bullied right before your eyes. This was the very first time a kid hurt my child, though we had plenty of  “toy-grabbing” incidents before, this was probably the worst so far. I did what I knew what was right at that moment and approached the boy to ask for an apology. I told him that hurting others is wrong and he should never do that again. I appreciate the fact that the boy said sorry even though I knew he probably didn’t really mean it. I’m not even sure if he truly understood what I told him, rather, the gravity of what he did.

The teacher, yayas and other kids saw what happened and the teacher apologized to me, and I assured her that everything was okay. She must have felt bad and somewhat responsible for what happened even though it wasn’t her fault at all. Few minutes passed and then the father of the boy arrived. I asked him if he is the father (just to be extra sure) and told him these exact words, “Kayo po ba yung father ni (little boy’s name)? Sinipa kasi niya itong baby ko.” (Are you the father of (little boy’s name)? Because he kicked my little girl.). The father nodded his head, walked towards his son, asked if he apologized and told him not to do it again. After which, he sat down in one of the small chairs and started fiddling with his phone. He never approached me, did not even properly acknowledge what his son did, and worse, he did not even bother to look after his son the entire time. I must admit, I felt irritated with this. It felt as though it was something so casual that he did not even say anything. Nothing! How would you feel if you were me? I’m sure you’d feel really insulted.

Good thing though is that I was able to keep my cool and I just silently said a prayer. I prayed that God would help me control my emotions and that the Holy Spirit will fill me so that I will not do anything I would regret later on. Because I was upset, I just sent Joey a text message and told him about the incident. Only seconds after, Joey was already standing there looking for the little boy and his father. He asked which kid kicked Matilda in a firm voice as he approached his daughter. After hugging her and making sure she’s alright, he then asked again where the boy is. I told him it’s the one beside the teacher, who is patiently keeping him occupied to avoid another untoward incident. As you know, the father is so busy with his phone and this got Joey’s attention. He asked where the guardian of the boy is (again) but his father won’t respond. I’m not sure if it was because Joey’s voice wasn’t loud enough for him to hear or maybe he is just really focused with what he is doing. Joey then asked, “Sinong bantay nito?” (Who is this boy’s guardian?), referring to the boy beside him. It was only then the father looked up and said, “Pinagalitan ko na siya”. (I already scolded him.). Joey responded to him by saying, “Paki bantayan na lang mabuti, paki bantayan lang.” (Please just look after him, please watch him carefully.), in a very firm voice. I felt he was also insulted with the way the father answered. He did not even stand from the chair he is sitting on.

This scene that just happened caused a bit of tension inside the day care. I saw yayas began moving aside and talking quietly among each other of what they just witnessed. I saw a bit of panic in their eyes most especially the teacher who was in the middle of the confrontation. I guess she must have sensed that it isn’t the end of it all, yet. As it turns out, she was right. Moments after, the mom of the boy came in and asked casually about what happened. I was there beside the teacher waiting for her to apologize for how his son behaved. Although, just like her husband, she did not even acknowledge me at all. It was then I realized how much of an impact we have with the development of our children. How modeling affects their personality and character. If his parents are like this, how in the world will their son grow up to be?

You see, as parents, we have complete responsibility towards our children. These children were entrusted to us by God for this very main purpose – that we ought to teach them to love the Lord and to carefully follow all his commands as stated in the following verses:

Deuteronomy 6: 1-9 New International Version (NIV)

These are the commands, decrees and laws the Lord your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. Hear, Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your ancestors, promised you.

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

What is our DUTY as Parents?

We are to raise our kids in the fear of the Lord by following all his commands – so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you.

What do we get in return?

The blessing of being intentional in our parenting is that WE, as Parents will be rewarded according to God’s promise – so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey. 

Why should we follow what is said in the Bible?

Because the Bible is God’s word. Everything written in the Bible is revealed to us so that we will know who God is and how He can transform our lives.

I always say, my handbook on parenting is the Bible. I can never be a perfect mom, nor Joey as a father to Matilda. But, as Christians, we carefully train her to be God-fearing, and a child who loves the Lord. If we fail in this, it is us, the parents who will suffer eventually.

I know it won’t be the last time we will encounter a “bully’ and I also know that the character of every person is based on how he was brought up. I just pray that I will be able to teach Matilda well enough to understand that this kind of attitude is wrong, and that she must never copy it. I also have a previous post about my personal experience being bullied as a child here, what I learned from it and why we want to go for homeschooling. As for the parents of the child, I feel like I also fell short on how I handled the situation. I should have set my emotions aside and spoke to them. I should have explained clearly what happened and I should have grabbed to opportunity to show them kindness. Now, I know what to do next time and I should really keep that in mind. How about you? Do you have kids who were bullied? What did you do? How did you explain this to your kids?

 

Bullying and Homeschooling

As a child, I knew going to school was necessary for me to learn and to be able to “work” someday. It was clearly explained to me while I was growing up, mostly by my father. Being a child, however, doesn’t quite give you a wide understanding of the things that you will have to go through to get there.

I started pre-school a little bit late. I was 6 years old then and even though I passed the assessment test for the “prep” level, my parents insisted that I must go through the “kinder” level first to lessen the pressure of learning on my part. They wanted me to be able adjust first with the idea of school and they thought I wasn’t ready yet for the higher level. As it turned out, no amount of preparation could actually get you to that state anyway.

That entire first year in school went by smoothly. I wasn’t excited about the fact I’ll be left in school alone as my parents recalled. Because I was really young then, my memories of school were bits and pieces of both good and bad. One particular thing I clearly remember though, was that right from the start, I was always the target of the bullies in school.

If you don’t know me personally, my mother is Filipina and my father is Indian. I don’t actually look like an Indian except for the fact that when I was young, my everyday hairdo was a simple braid for my long and curly hair. My complexion is fair, I got that from my mom. The height, being tallest in the class is from my dad. At around 6-9 years old, my teeth looked terrible and to top it all off, I was very chubby. Yeah, I wasn’t as appealing compared to the other girls in school. And that was the reason I was the bully’s favorite.

          

Fast forward to 2nd grade, I grew older and so somehow, everything I was going through already took its toll on me. I started showing signs that I disliked school. I didn’t show any excitement about it and that made every morning difficult, for my mother.

I don’t know why I didn’t tell my parents sooner what I was experiencing in school. Until one day when a group of boys from my class intentionally threw my lunch and tore my lunch box apart. In my attempt to stop them, I got hurt when one of them kicked me. A lot of students saw what happened and immediately called the attention of the teacher who wasn’t in the room when it happened. The teacher called my mom and informed her of the incident and it was just then when I told them the truth.

Everyday as I went to school, my classmates (boys) would call me names, trip me while walking, pull my braid, steal my things, and a lot more. Being a child at that time, who had been treated the same way for a while, I honestly thought what they were doing to me was normal. If not for that incident, my parents would not have known the truth about my experiences in school.

One more incident took place months after that. A boy from my class brought a pellet gun and he shot me right at my chin with it. Thank God he did not hit me in the eye and though it hurt so bad, it did not leave any permanent damage. And this was the first time I personally told my mom about a particular bullying incident.

As a mother now to my baby girl, thinking about what happened to me breaks my heart twice harder. I couldn’t for the life of me ever imagine for her to be treated that way. I now understand what my mom could have felt at that time and why she did all that she could to protect me and my memories of childhood.

After months of probation and deliberation, two of these bullies eventually got expelled from school because of other numerous incidents that involved them. But even though they weren’t in school anymore, it did not lessen my anxiety about the idea of going to school in any way.

Because of all the bullying, I developed an intense feeling of insecurity. I avoided playing with other kids except for some of my closest girl friends. I also had anxiety attacks wherein my tummy would get so upset on the way to school and sometimes I’d develop a fever out of nowhere. This was a serious concern for my parents and so whenever I showed signs that I wasn’t well, they wouldn’t force me to go to school anymore.

You see, communication is very important. It’s very common among children not to inform parents about certain things when they think that it is normal. Always make sure you talk to your child about what specifically happens in school. Ask them questions in detail to be able to know how they are doing. You also have to watch out for signs. If your child isn’t showing any interest in school, ask them and investigate why.

These simple things may make or break your child’s character. And honestly, it is one of the main reasons why we are leaning towards homeschooling our Matilda. I’m very thankful that no matter how rough those circumstances were to me, at least I somehow ended up to be a normal, happy person. But even though I turned out fine, that doesn’t mean it left no emotional scar in my childhood. Of course, it did! I can still remember the hate I felt towards every one of those bullies. In my mind, I wished bad things to happen to them and I grew up holding grudges against them. It was only when I came to know the Lord, through his mercy and grace, that I was able to forgive all of them.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31, 32 NLT)

Knowing the formative years are very crucial, I cannot depend on the school or a teacher for that matter, to lead my child into Christlikeness. That responsibility is mine and I have to own it. As her mother, she was entrusted to me by God for a reason. A reason that only a Christian parent will understand. This involves leading her to follow Christ and for her to do the same when she’s already of age. We want her character molded in a place where circumstances are within our control. And we (Joey and I) consider the home to be a safe place where I can monitor what she learns, how she does things, and everything else in between. I want to be able to personally guide her in the process of building her own personality, and not to be dictated by how other children perceive who she is. I want myself to set a good example for her and not for her to copy someone who doesn’t have any set of values – just like the bullies present in school.

I may be paranoid and my reasons may be invalid but if you were bullied like me, I’m sure you wouldn’t want your child to experience the same. And one way for me to prevent that is to home school her instead. Yes, I know, bullying is inevitable and it can happen absolutely anywhere, even in play areas and the like. All I want is to lessen the possibility since the school is a place wherein children interact with one another on a daily basis, and the chances of it happening there, are far greater. Plus, the effects based on their interaction without you around, are much more critical too.

Just to be clear, I’m not saying sending your child to a regular school is wrong. Of course it’s absolutely okay. It’s just that, you, as the parent should be responsible enough to make sure your child goes to a school which gives importance to your child’s inward orientation. Sure, they will learn well in this particular school knowing all the students who have graduated turned out successful. But, think about their heart. Where is Jesus in their lives? Was the school able to instill important life lessons such as having a personal relationship with God? Is the school as aggressive in building the child’s character and not just feeding them with curriculum lessons? Evaluate the school, the teachers and the students. You have to know where they stand. After all, you’ll leave your child with these people who will greatly influence their life. Wouldn’t you want to know who they will learn from and what they will contribute to the development of their character?

When you look at schooling this way, it is only then you will understand its gravity. Whatever your decision might be, it is best to consider what will work for your family. What works for us might not work for you and vice versa. Just make sure you have prayed and asked God for guidance in making the right decisions such as choosing the right school for you child.

In the event however, that your child is already being bullied, here are some tips I thought to share with you:

1. Try your best to keep your cool and go to the school immediately and talk to the proper authorities about it. Never, ever confront the bully or his parents. Note: “Anti-Bullying Act of 2012”
2. Request a guidance counselor to monitor your child’s behavior at school. A weekly meeting may help your child gain his/her self-esteem back.
3. Enroll your child in a sport that would enhance his skill in self-defense like Taekwondo or Muay Thai. (Note: Teach them to defend themselves and NOT to fight back!)
4. Encourage your child to communicate with you about his daily activities in school.
5. Explain the importance of forgiveness and that it is God’s command for him to do so. Pray with your child that God will grant you wisdom in understanding the heart of the bully. Doing this will allow him/her to be able to have peace in his heart.

• Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13 NIV)

6. Set a good example to your child by showing proper attitude against people who mistreat you. How your child responds is usually how they see it from their parents. Make sure you are being a role-model at all times, even when things don’t go your way.

• “You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. (Matthew 5:38, 39 NLT)

7. Consider the benefits of homeschooling, both for you and your child.

My parents wanted the best for me that’s why they sent me to that particular school. The only mistake they made was that they trusted the school too much and they forgot to scrutinize how they value the formation of their student’s character.

The bullying was a depressing chapter of my life but I learned a lot from it. One is to extend my patience further and another is to have an understanding and forgiving heart towards difficult people. Part of who I am now is because of all the experiences I encountered in the past and I will be forever grateful for it.

Were you bullied as a child? Or do you have a child who is being bullied in school? What actions did you take? How did it affect your child? Let’s talk about it and let me know how I can pray for you!